Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Tuesday is ED Day

I went to group. We worked on "Areas of Change Since Starting Therapy". In this particular exercise, we took turns getting up in front of the group at the white board and addressing a list of areas that we've been working on.

It seems that we are supposed to be responsible for remembering our own goals. Imagine that; the group leaders aren't our mommies. So my new goals are to keep my food journal, print out a filled out journal for Saturday and Sunday so I can just cross things off, and give up the crystal light.

In the Binge/Purge/Restrict category, I'm doing okay. I never really purged because I didn't like it. I tried lots of things, but nothing ever stuck (which is good). However, I used to think about purging a lot. I'm doing that less now. I'm still binging, but that is limited to the weekends (from family stress), and what I'm binging on has changed. I no longer binge on high carb/high fat zero nutrition things. I binge on healthy foods that are in my food plan. I count that as progress. Restricting ... I have trouble telling if I'm restricting or not, but I'm trying to eat whan I'm hungry and stick to 3/2.

Which brings us to 3/2 (or 3 meals and 2 snacks): I'm doing really well with that. I wrote on the board that my goal is healthy eating, but I think a trap lies in those words for me. Most of my ED behaviors are healthy behaviors that I have carried to an extreme. So I erased healthy and wrote normal. Or so I thought. When I looked up at the board, I saw that I had written healthy again. So this time I crossed out healthy and wrote normal over it. I think I have some issues there.

Weekly weigh-in: I was doing weekly weigh-ins, but I was sure I was gaining weight which caused anxiety which lead to restricting which lead to binges etc etc. So I decided to weigh every day. I've decided that I only need to weigh on Tuesdays and Thursdays to alleviate the anxiety, so that's progress.

I'm still afraid of food or my lack of control over it.

Oh, another goal is to change my thoughts about weightloss and exercise to exercising for my health. I have a coping issue: personal or home stress, and I'm constantly fighting my mother's voice. I'm supposed to get Forgive For Good to help with the last.


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