Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Eating Disorder

I'm attempting a whole foods diet. It's not easy because wholegrains aren't readily available in town, and I'm depressed, so I don't have the energy/will to drive to the next town. And the traffic in Pleasanton is TERRIBLE.

I found out that I have dissociative episodes. I had no idea that's what was going on. I thought that I had a bad memory and that I wasn't concentrating enough. I'm not sure that I can convey how empowering it is to find out that it isn't that at all and that there's something that I can do to prevent them? It made me feel GOOD to learn that. This is the real kicker to get me to eat right.

And just what is a dissociative episode?

Sometimes I'll be in a meeting, and suddenly, it's like I'm somewhere else with another conversation going on (in my head). I tell myself, "PAY ATTENTION!" which usually brings me back to the meeting. Sometimes I stay in the meeting and sometimes I can't. And it truly is like I'm somewhere else.

It came up in therapy because I couldn't remember what happened on Saturday and Sunday. Not quite a blackout because I knew I was at home, and I was pretty sure what happened. But I couldn't tell the therapist. She said that was also a dissociative episode. After that, she gave me the meeting example. That happens to me all the time.

It's like the imagination is dominating reality. I've been having these since I was a young teenage. Only, I thought it was just an overactive imagination, lack of concentration, and bad memory. I had no idea I was whacked-out. And I wish I had because I could have prevented some serious angst in my life if I'd known and had it treated.

Oh, and I think I finally found my higher power (overeater's anonymous speak), so that's a really big thing, too.


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